a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
My five year plan is a meteorite
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!