Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
When does CPR become necrophilia?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”