My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks