wut hotdog?
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks