You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Gods work.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine