warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die