A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
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Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started