If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
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[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Safety first
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.