Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
You Might Also Like
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
mmm onion ringos
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Am I having a stroke?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.