*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak