When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now