getting old is fun
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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.