According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
You Might Also Like
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
This story is comedy gold 😂
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.