The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Don’t tell me what to do
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.