“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Hmm, not sure about this change