Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
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It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
A new level of troll.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point