My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Ron is short for Aaronald
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand