[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
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don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.