Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Autocarrot sucks!
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break