[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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The pen is writier than the sword.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Feel. He’s so soft.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get