CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”