I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
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Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.