Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
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[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
This is the best one I’ve seen
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes