There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Pat is about to own someone
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you