Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
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REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer