When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.