Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
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billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The news in a nutshell.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible