People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere