just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.