Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
PLOT TWIST:
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*