[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.