Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.