If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT