The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
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Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Buck naked
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!