The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
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[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing