WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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Super Hand Dog Face
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
These aliens are taking forever.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”