[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Basketball
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone