*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?