If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I have a new favorite meme page
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die