If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
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I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Those are good neighbors.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.