Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white