My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.