me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.