A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Good boy 😂😂
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
not seeing the problem
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork