Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
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draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.