[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
just left a huge legacy in there
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.