Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
You Might Also Like
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife