her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.