I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I have many caverns