Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.